Motherhood is a joy, an absolute joy. And it can also be a real pain in the neck with it’s own unique set of problems. Some problems no one else will understand other than a fellow mom.
1. Being stuck in the car because the little angel is asleep in the car seat. Screaming child falls asleep in car seat, mother is now trapped in car until child wakes up. Who in their right mind would risk taking a sleeping baby out of their car seat? Many moms have sat bored in a car for hours just to get a little peace, oh and because the baby needs to sleep for health reasons, but mostly for the peace.
2. Just how troubling the sounds of silence can truly be. Most moms will have no problem telling anyone willing to listen they don’t get any peace and quiet, but with a couple kids in the house quiet can be the scariest sound in the world. Quiet children are very rarely sitting and reading, they are more often than not up to no good, like cutting their own hair or shaving the dog. Again, up to no good.
3. Cold chicken nuggets and French fries are really hard to resist. Who knew how tasty half-eaten finger food was? It’s hard to turn down some nuggets, especially if your dinner looked like a plate of rabbit food.
4. The looming terror of knowing your tween could wake up three inches taller. Yes, everyone knows that kids grow like weeds, but do non-moms know that tweens and teens literally grow overnight? Or the guilt of sending a kid off to school with pants that look like he’s waiting for a flood? Well moms of 5’11″ thirteen year olds know.
5. The enormity of a baby poop. Baby poop can be a few stinky nuggets, or it can be a tidal wave of sludge from ankles to ears. The terror of seeing some poop creeping out of a baby onesie, the terror!
6. The horror of finding a dried up boogie on your shoulder. If someone doesn’t have kids, they would probably just flick the boogie off their shoulder and go on with their day, but once you have kids some snot opens a whole can of worms. Whose boogie is this? Which kid wiped their nose on me? Has their nose been running all day? What else have they wiped boogies on? Has this been here all day? How many people saw this booger and couldn’t be bothered to say anything? These are things that pass through a mom’s mind when she spies some shoulder boogers.
7. Spending your whole day trying to figure out where the puke smell is coming from, only to find it’s you. You sniff and sniff. You run around the house trying to find the source of the smell. You sniff children, cushions, blankets, rugs, curtains, couches, only to realize it’s you. You stink. It’s not a baby or a kid, it’s you, and you have no idea when you’ll get to shower, so you just change your shirt and hope for the best.
8. Never knowing what your toddler is going to say. Toddlers are like adorable little versions of verbal Russian roulette. They could say something sweet and funny, or they could say something absolutely horrific, like that word they say like a swear or the time they caught mommy and daddy wrestling. Most people say their prayers before bed, but moms of toddlers pray every time a stranger tries to engage their child in conversation.
9. Two words: early dismissal. Early dismissal makes working moms scramble like nothing else. Regular dismissal is bad enough, but it’s a royal pain in the rump trying to figure out what to do with an eight year old at noon.
10. Missing keys could be anywhere. When there are little humans running around missing keys could be anywhere. Literally anywhere. In the toilet, on the roof, down the sewer, between couch cushions, in a cereal box. The possibilities are endless, just like the imagination of the little cherub who hid them.
11. For the moms of teenage boys, being legitimately afraid of changing their sheets and doing their laundry. I don’t want to be gross, but you cannot give teenage boys enough privacy. Knock at least a dozen times before going in their bedroom. And when it comes to their laundry? Handle it like hazardous waste, because it kind of is. If you love a mother of a teen age boy, buy her one of those mechanical grabbers so she never has to touch her son’s disgusting sheets and socks.
12. For the moms of teenage girls, you poor thing. Hormones…awful teenage girl hormones. A mom’s PMS can be bad enough, put add an already hormonal teenage girl’s PMS into the mix? Everyone in the house needs to run for cover.
13. Wanting to fight a child. The urge to protect your child is strong. So strong that an otherwise perfectly sane mother is ready to fight, and beat, a child who is mean to her precious baby, even if that baby is 17.
14. Then wanting to fight that child’s parent(s). After cooler heads prevail, a rational mom has moved on from wanting to fight a child to wanting to fight the child’s parents. They raised the little jerk after all, so it’s really their fault.
15. Having a tiny little human follow you into the bathroom. Before you have children, peeing whenever you feel like it behind a closed, locked door seems like a guaranteed right protected by the constitution, but then you have kids and all bets are off. Get used to having a little weirdo watch you go to the bathroom and ask questions the entire time.
16. People assuming you like children. Why do people assume that once you have kids you’re magically turned into a person who loves children? People will just hand a kid off to you like you’re supposed to know what to do with it. When you have kids people tend to assume that you’re good with kids in general. Not always the case. Any mom will tell you that her child is the greatest child in all the land; however moms won’t tell you if they think most kids are the worst. Of course children are gifts from God, but if a child isn’t yours he can be kind of a pain.