Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like you’re just not cutting the mustard as a mom? We all do, right? Maybe you feel guilty because you sent little Johnny to the school bake sale with store bought cookies? Maybe letting the kids have pizza for breakfast instead of hiding spinach in pancakes, like some Pinterest users suggest, makes you feel like you’re failing? Or maybe the simple fact that you’re counting down the days until your little angels go back to school makes you feel like you’re the worst mom in the world. Have no fear because there are plenty of moms doing a worse job than you! Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a list of just a few. Read it and feel better.
The Mom From Flowers in the Attic: In the interest of full disclosure, I love, love, love this movie. When I watch it, it’s hard to believe it was a real movie released in theaters and everything. I wonder if Lifetime executives saw it as teens and thought “Oh my God, there needs to be a TV network devoted exclusively to crazy melodrama” and that’s how Lifetime was born. If you haven’t seen this movie, go watch it right now. Don’t even finish reading this post. And, yes, I know it was a book first and the book is also bizarre. The bat-poo crazy mom locks her kids in her parents’ attic, proceeds to live like they don’t exist, woos a wealthy man and attempts to marry him to collect his fortune, all while (SPOILER ALERT) slowly poisoning her kids with arsenic! (photo credit here)
Stephanie Dillard: This might be the wildest story ever, and the only reason I’m sharing it is because no one got seriously hurt! Stephanie Dillard had her three kids in the car when she hit a bus. Hey, it can happen to anyone. She then did what any responsible parent would do. She said, “I’m going to get some ice cream.” She left her wounded children in the car, walked to CVS, took off all her clothes (?!) and helped herself to some ice cream like it was no big deal. Like many of you, I’ve seen some wacky behavior at the local Rite Aid, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen anyone eat a Nutty Buddy naked. So kudos Ms. Dillard…I guess. She also tried to fight the cops that found her. Naturally.
Wallace’s Mom from HBO’s The Wire: When cops show up at her door looking for her tween son, she informs them she has no idea where he is, and she’s been looking for him too because he had the nerve to take a couple bucks from her purse (and she works hard for that money, if you catch my drift). The really sad thing is there are plenty of real moms like this out there in the world, so lets hear it for the moms who would actually be concerned if their 14 year old kid disappeared on the drug-infested streets of Baltimore. Whoop, whoop. (photo credit here)
Torina Guiterrez: Ms. Guiterrez isn’t so much a completely terrible mom as she is a really bad multi-tasker. As moms, parents, human beings, we’ve all had to do two or three things at once and every once in a while, we slip up. Torina is no different. She was making her six year old daughter’s lunch and somehow managed to spill a little angel dust in it. Hey, it happens. When the little girl ate her sandwich at school, she said it tasted like fireworks (which is exactly how I imagine a PCP-wich would taste) and guessed right away it was probably angel dust because her mom keeps a container of it. Then to drive the point home, she drew a picture of mommy’s angel dust container. In mom’s defense, at least it was clearly labeled, right?
Random Terrible Moms at Marshalls and Target: Who are these women who let their kids open up and play with toys they have no intention of buying? Seriously, you moms infuriate the heck out of me. Moms, please teach your offspring how to act right in public, okay? Right now you’re raising your kids to be jerks, and it’s only going to get worse if you don’t stop immediately. (photo credit here)
Feel better yet? I know I do. Now if you’ll excuse me, my son is roasting marshmallows over the stove burner and I really must supervise. ‘Til next time!