What do we want? Sex! When do we want it? Thursday at 3pm! Wait….what? You might want to put down the toddler because I’m about to blow your mind. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, you don’t have to wait until nightfall to have some sexy time and it doesn’t have to be spontaneous! (photo credit)

sexy time

For some reason we have gotten it into our heads that because sex is a pleasure activity it should be unplanned, but guess what? We plan almost all of our pleasure activities, and although it can be exciting to have an impromptu dinner with your girlfriends, it’s no less rewarding to plan on meeting them next Friday. In fact, having those special days to look forward to has gotten me through many a temper tantrum. We plan trips to the mall, playdates, dinner and dancing, and vacations so we should be able to plan out sex as well.

Sex is probably considered “the” pleasure activity, but it is unique in that your significant other is the only person you are engaging with in this activity, or should be at least! But for the sake of all things scandalous, lets explore affairs: they are, in fact, planned. Perhaps it’s the planning that makes the sex more exciting. The anticipation, the ritual of getting ready, or for some, being able to brush your teeth first. Maybe ladies, it’s time to have an affair with your husband.

Speaking of your husband, or significant other, you can run together, shop together, vacation together, jump out of a plane together, ski together, go out to eat, go to a concert. What do all of these activities have in common? They are all things you normally plan and they are things you can do with other people. The reason why sex is the glue that holds a marriage together is because those intimate encounters are just that. Intimate. It’s the only activity that you can partake with this person you said you would spend the rest of your life with and forget about all the selfish reasons to have sex. It is something that should be a priority because it directly affects our relationship with the most important person in our life. I’m not suggesting you start a Pinterest board of new sex positions, but maybe try to spend as much time in bed (or on the kitchen table if that’s where you like it) with your husband as you do with your iPad.

couple kissing in bed

Keep in mind that men are usually ready to go at a moments notice, but women…we need to be in the mood. It’s hard to feel in the mood at 11pm after falling asleep on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. (Although that particular scenario might elicit some couch time dreams that could get you in the mood.) So go text your husband, take a shower and put on your fancy lingerie…you know, the ones you were saving for a special occasion but when you got home after dinner you were both so stuffed and exhausted they went unseen.

Planned sex is fun! When we were trying to have our first child, I loved the planned sex schedule. I loved anticipating the nights (and days!) we would do it and I also loved the nights I knew we wouldn’t do it. In fact, on those days I felt more comfortable being affectionate with my husband without feeling like he would misinterpret my affections. You may not want to admit it, but sometimes when we are tired and not in the mood we purposely send off signals to tell the other person to back off so we don’t walk ourselves into spontaneous sex we don’t want to have. In the fast paced, exhausting life of motherhood this can be most nights, and that lack of affection could have long lasting negative consequences on your relationship. According to psychotherapist, Tina Tessina, PhD, “intimacy keeps you glued together. It’s what you need in order to nurture your connection to your spouse. You’ll be a lot happier with each other and feel more cared about if you’re regularly having sex.”

coupleinbed

Ok, back to the the juicy stuff. You know who else has planned sex? Single people and people who are dating. They know exactly what days they are ready to get it on. Anyone who has ever purposely not shaven so they wouldn’t go too far with a date knows exactly what I mean.

So unfortunately, it looks like the only people stuck in this spontaneous sex rut are people in long-term relationships. I, for one, refuse to stand by and let spontaneity ruin my sex life. Actually, all this talk about sex has gotten me feeling a little frisky so excuse me if I leave you with that. I mean after all, I didn’t say all sex has to be planned!