mother talking to her two daughters on the couch

Sex and kids. Ugh. Two words we dread hearing in the same sentence. We never want to know about it. We rarely think about it. And we sure hate talking about it. Yet, it is one of the most important areas for us to have influence over. Think about it… Do you really want your kids learning about this important subject from the movies, online, or worse, from their friends? I’m sure we would all prefer they had no knowledge or opinions about it. Yeah, right…good luck with that!

Although a tough subject, it doesn’t have to be terrifying to conquer or become an expert on, at least in your kids’ eyes.

First, it’s important to spend some time thinking about your beliefs and knowledge of the subject. Make sure you have your facts straight, think about your opinions, and talk to your partner about the issue. This is one area where you want to avoid confusion and mixed messages.

Start very young and continue discussing this through their entire lives. Please don’t ever make them feel ashamed or embarrassed about their bodies. Kids go through all phases of development and exploration. Don’t tell your toddler boys that “it will fall off if they play with it.”Of course they’re going to play with it…it’s there! When your child is 3-4 they can understand the concept of not looking/playing in public. Tell them very simply that they need to do that in private (bathroom/bedroom). If you make it a big deal, they will do it more and/or learn to be ashamed. If you make it okay (yet put appropriate boundaries on it), then it becomes healthy, normal, and no big deal.

mother reading book to young son in his bedroom

When your kids are old enough (the actual age is up to you, but the initial message is targeted for approximately a 10 year old), start talking to them about marriage, love, and even sex (limited). A really easy way to bring it up is to find materials or websites that talk about it, and then “conveniently” have it present when your child is around. Kids are curious, and will often ask great questions that get the conversation going!

From there, make it easy and safe to talk about. Be cautious with your language. Make it appropriate, but not clinical. I know everything always says to use the “correct terminology” with your kids, and I absolutely agree. However, I also know when to limit the use of certain words. Kids and teens are distracted and embarrassed by many words. It is up to us to try to decrease that as much as possible. But, it is also up to us to know the boundary. It’s okay to limit some words, and even imply certain things, if it helps get the message across and keeps the conversation going. Make sure the points are clear, but be gentle with your words!

The next important concept is to be ready and available whenever the subject may come up. With the world we live in, information is always available. If you feel like you need to “open the door,” find information that ties into your beliefs/opinions, and have it around…and be ready for conversations to start.  If they don’t, ask your kids easy questions like, “what do you think about this?”

Now, as kids get older, it is important to start trying to get your true message across.  While I understand why parents talk to kids about safer sex and birth control, in my opinion (and I completely understand opinions on this vary) this may not be the way to go.  It’s better than nothing, but is your goal really for your child to be having sex, even if it’s “safe?”   If not, don’t water down your message with the birth control talk…not yet, anyway.

When you get to that point, share science with them. Abstinence is the only form of birth control that is 100%. By the way, they don’t call it “safe sex” anymore. They call it “safer sex.” That alone is scary. Tell them that. And, tell them that when they do make those decisions, to be smart and be as safe as possible, but to also be prepared for any consequences.  And then talk to them about the consequences and about how they would affect them. Give details where appropriate.

Avoid scare tactics. Be honest and give them facts. Give them concepts they can understand. Don’t exaggerate or lie to make your point.  Kids know when you do, and you will lose all credibility on the subject. Also, remember most kids feel a sense of invincibility. You need approaches that infiltrate that.

mother talking to her teenage daughter on her bed

This next one seems to surprise people. Kids respond to conversations about true love and respect. Talk to them about the meaning of love, about the difference between teen love and love when you’re a little older. Talk about consequences. Consequences of pregnancy and diseases, yes, but also of broken hearts, bad relationships, and even of having sex with the “wrong person.” If they say they’re in love, ask them if they love the person enough to do what’s best for them…not right now, but for their future? When it comes to sex, no one will ever regret what they didn’t do. Explain this to your kids. If they ask you about your history or experiences, be honest. Tell them if you feel you’ve made bad decisions. Tell them what you would have done differently, and how. Tell them the things you wish you had known. I remember telling one of my kids that I wish someone had talked to me more about the love and respect concepts-about loving someone enough to make the right decisions for them, even when they wanted to make the wrong decisions. Again, this is for the teen, not the young child. If they ask you something that you feel is too “adult” for them, tell them you will share the answer or story another time and then make sure you do…trust means everything here.

We want our kids to be sexually healthy and to grow into sexually healthy adults. We also want them to be “relationship healthy.” Things that may seem obvious usually aren’t. If it’s important for them to know, make sure you take the time to talk to them about it. Talk to them about temptation, fidelity, and waiting…and keep reiterating the important messages.

Mostly, just talk to them. Make sure they know no subject is off limits. Share your feelings, beliefs, and opinions. And, mostly, love them. Always.

If you have different ideas about when and what is appropriate to share with your children about sex, please feel free to share in the comments below!